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Posts Tagged ‘parenting teenagers’

Good parents are not parents who necessarily know it all. Good parents are parents who are willing to seek help and information when they need it in order to meet the unique needs of their teens.

Raising teenagers can be difficult at best. While it may seem like an alien life form invaded the body of your formerly sweet and lovable child, your teenager really is not that much different than the child you once knew. He or she is simply attempted to establish his or her own identity, and that means separating his or her identity from you as parent. This is a natural and normal process, and you should reassure yourself with the knowledge that it is just a short period of time in the life of your child and it will pass.

If you are having a difficult time dealing with a disrespectful, angry, or out of control teen, you need the new book by Norbert Georget, NO-NONSENSE PARENTING FOR TODAY’S TEENAGER – How To Feel Like A Good Parent Even When Your Teenager Hates You.

Even as teenagers, your children need and want your love. Their attitudes can make it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. It is important to understand that as much as your teenager wants your love, he or she also wants you to respect his or her individuality and burgeoning independence. When teens feel as though they are being treated like a children, if you are being “over” protective, if you expect your teen to believe what you believe and think what you think, your teen will rebel.

If you are struggling with a teen that will not listen, lacks motivation, is having trouble getting along at home and at school, is obsessed with technology or might be dealing with an addiction problem, Norbert Georget can help. NO-NONSENSE PARENTING FOR TODAY’S TEENAGER – How To Feel Like A Good Parent Even When Your Teenager Hates You is a book designed to help parents navigate the landmines of bringing up teenagers in a modern world of video games, internet, and cell phones.

Teens are under an enormous amount of pressure. Parents want them to do well in school and get into a good college and make decisions about their future. Teen friends seek to confirm and uphold each others’ ideas, thoughts, and identities and encourage each other to be as independent as possible. Peers pressure each other to try new and risky things, like drinking, drugs, and sex. Learn how to approach your teen and have open conversations that lead to better relationships, more trust, and less chaos in your home.

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We have all been faced with the difficult child who refuses to do what we know is the right course. There isn’t a parent alive who wasn’t part of this kind of conversation:

Johnny: “I don’t want to do my homework now”

Parent: : “Johnny, I want you to do it now”

Johnny: : “But I’ll do it later, after I finish this video game (translation “when I feel like it”)

Parent: : “You’ll be too tired later, I want you to do your homework now”

Johnny: : “I will, but the Simpson’s are on and Bobby’s turn on Xbox is almost over?”

Parent: : “What part of now don’t you understand?”

Johnny: : “OK, in a few minutes?”

Eventually, the parent gives in. This is very common and doesn’t make you a bad parent. Kids have been practicing the art of negotiating since before they were born. Think about it. Do you have any say over exactly when your child was born, or were you subjected to the whims of when they would take that ride out the birth canal into the world?

While not the worst thing to give into your child, it is gently reinforcing that they can wear you down on issues if they just try hard enough. I’ll be the first to say to pick your battles, but with 3 teenage sons, there were a lot of these conversations going on. So, what to do.

I stumbled on a method that has worked wonders in our house. It taught me about choices, basically that you always have a choice, no matter what the circumstances. Now, not all choices have good results, but if you have the choice, you have some control over your life.

When faced with one of scenarios above, I tried a new approach. When I get the first hint of rebellion, I immediately go into my choices offense. I simply phrase my original request with a choice that isn’t palatable, for instance:

Child: : I don’t want to go to bed.

Me: : No problem, but you need to make a choice. You can stay up late, but then you will be off the computer this weekend.

Child: : That’s not fair!

Me: : Nope, but it’s your choice to make.

I know that sounds pretty simple, but it is just that ? simple. You give them a choice. Of course, the first several hundred times my sons gave me a hard way to go, but eventually, all I had to do was mention the phrase “you have a choice..” and they would invariably do the right thing. The important aspect is that they still were given some control over their lives as opposed to the old fashioned “just do it because I said so!”

It teaches them to think a bit, and to never think life is just one road. Sometimes, they picked the worse choice, and I made sure they lived with it. It teaches them to be responsible for their choices and more importantly, to make their own choices.

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The number one cause of death amongst youngster between the ages of 15 and 24 is drunk driving and so educating your teenagers about the dangers of drinking and driving is particularly important, not only for their own protection but for the protection of other road users and pedestrians.The first mistake which many parents make in this area is to assume that they do not need to raise the subject until their own teenagers learn to drive. You do not need to be behind the wheel of a car to understanding the dangers of drunk driving and, like everything else you teach your children, the earlier they learn the more likely the lessons are to stick.When it comes to the consequences of drunk driving teenagers need to fully understand just what it means to kill another person on the road and the devastating impact which this can have on their family and friends. But they also need to realize that many people are also injured as a result of drunk driving and they and their families may have to live with the consequences of severe injury for the rest of their lives. This is not always easy for a teenager to understand but it is a lesson which they need to learn.It is also important for teenagers to fully understand the consequences of being caught behind the wheel of a car while intoxicated. So, find out about the drink driving laws in your state and clearly spell out the consequences of a drink driving conviction. Explain to them that a drink driving conviction can not only land them in jail, but can also ruin their career prospects and prevent them from getting a good job.Now, despite your best efforts, it is still quite possible that your teenager is going to find himself in the position of having had too much to drink when he is out with the car and being caught between driving the car home when he knows he is not fit to do so, or calling you and getting yelled at for being so irresponsible. So, this too is something which you need to discuss with him before it happens.Remember that we all do silly things when we are young and the most important thing is to stay safe, learn our lesson and live to try again to get it right next time. So, if your child is in this position he must know that he can call you no matter what condition he is in or what time of the day or night it is to come and pick him up.This is not to say that you are condoning his actions in getting drunk or that he should not be punished for his irresponsibility. But your first job is to keep him safe and make him realize that he made the right, sensible and mature decision by calling you for help.Finally remember that there is no better way to teach your children anything than through your own example and that means making sure that you never drink and drive yourself. If your children see you leaving your car keys at home and taking a taxi to go out to a party then they will follow suit.

I’ve been enjoying the fantastic weather and juggling writing with being a Butlin’s Redcoat for my own kids on holiday from school, and it got me thinking about the way I communicate with my teenage son and my 13 year old, going on 25 year old, daughter!

Communication can dry up during adolescence which is why people identify so much with Harry Enfield’s Kevin and Perry characters and that’s why the teenage stage has often been called the “grunt stage” but communication is a two-way process. It’s what we want and think, and what our teenagers want and think. Most of us are great at talking but less good at listening and understanding and we often only half listen to our kids.

Here are some classic ways to switch off your teenager:Asking too many questions

“Why did you say that?” “What did you say?”Being bossy

“Do your homework right now and don’t argue”Lecturing

“You should know better at your age”Criticising/Shaming

“How could you be so stupid?”Pitying

“I’m so sorry for you, you poor thing”Rescuing – doing it for them

“Alright, I’ll do your homework for you so you don’t get into trouble”Jumping to conclusions

“Late again! I suppose you’ve been up to no good getting back at this hour!”Threatening and shouting

“If you don’t shape up you’re grounded for a week”Always knowing best

“I told you that would happen, didn’t I!”

Most of us find ourselves lecturing, ordering and jumping to conclusions or even threatening our teenagers but if we always presume the worst and speak to our kids like this we block communication.

And, effective communication is the oil that lubricates a good family and builds a lasting relationship between teenagers and their parents.

Here are some Positive Parent Tips for good communication:

Our teenagers’ lives are often a closed book to us and no matter how hard we try they simply will not let us open the book and read what is inside. But how are we supposed to protect out children and help them to develop into self-sufficient and confident adults if we do not know what they are doing, where they are going, who they are hanging out with, what they are thinking and how they are feeling?Well, here are four tips that might help to open that closed book at least enough to take a glimpse inside.Tip 1 – Start when your kids are young. It is much easier to keep a relationship rolling along than it is to start it up in the first place and this is especially true when it comes to our kids. If we start literally from the day they are born and build a close and strong relationship then life will be fairly easy when they reach those difficult teenage years. However, if we maintain our distance from our kids, or simply do not have time to get close to them, when they are young then it is going to become increasingly difficult to do so as they get older.Tip 2 – Look for common ground. We all have things which we like to do on our own or without our partner and one partner might enjoy playing bridge with friends while the other is out playing golf or fishing. But, it is also important for partners to share interests and to have some things, such as cooking, gardening or hiking which they enjoy doing together. This is not simply true of partners and should also extend to parents and children. So, find something, and preferably two or three things, which you and your kids can enjoy together and which gives you a common interest to talk about.Tip 3 – Listen to what your children say and keep an open mind. The teenage years are a time when children tend to form opinions very quickly and often without an adequate understanding of the subject to hand. This in turn means that they will often come out with comments which you find concerning or which you simply do not like or agree with. Take the time however to listen to what they have to say and try not to be judgmental. There is nothing wrong with telling them that do not agree with them or do not approve of something as long as you explain why and do not turn what you are saying into an attack on them.Tip 4 – Spend time with your children. One of the main concerns for most teenagers is that they do not get to spend enough time with their parents and this is often seen as a case of their parents simply not caring enough about what they are doing or how they are feeling. One significant result of this is that teenagers also often feel that they cannot talk to their parents when they have a problem and want some help.Many of us lead busy lives but were we talking about a client instead of our own child you can bet your bottom dollar that we would make the time needed to spend with that client. Well, our children are far more important than any client and so it should not really be too difficult to set aside some time each day, or at the very least each week, to devote ourselves solely to each of our children for a while.There are many ways to make sure that we are spending enough time with our kids and often it is simply a matter of organizing ourselves for efficiently. One simple way to achieve our aims is to make sure that the whole family sits down to dinner each evening and that this is a time to both eat and talk. Another way to spend time with your teen is to drive him to school each morning rather than let him ride the bus. Yet another suggestion is to play sport together once or twice a week. There are countless ways to make time for your teenagers if you put your mind to it.

If your teenager is anything like mine then you will probably think that the world has come to an end if it ever comes time for her to wear braces on her teeth. But, since we all want our children to have that perfect white smile as they enter adulthood if at all possible, this is one hurdle which many of us have to learn to jump.Fortunately the world of braces has changed dramatically since I wore them myself as a child and the days of that horrible mess of metal in your mouth is thankfully long gone. Today there are all sorts of alternatives open to your teenager, many of which include clear bands and brackets which are hardly visible. Indeed, you can even get ‘invisible’ braces nowadays which are plastic inserts that fit over the child’s teeth. Gone too in many cases is the need for painful adjustments to the braces on a regular basis, with the dentist simply replacing the braces every six or eight weeks.The starting point however is to get your teenager to focus attention on the long term benefits of wearing braces which is a challenge in itself since most teenagers are concerned about today and not next month or next year. They will see braces as ruining their life, rather than correcting a problem which they might find will ruin their life when they get a little bit older and start dating or set their heart on a job which requires them to have a nice smile. You job therefore is to make them focus on the longer term and get them to visualize themselves in a few years time with a smile like that of their current television or magazine idol. This means that magazines and television are a good place to start when it comes to convincing your teenager of the benefit of wearing braces.Another fear which you may need to overcome is that of braces being painful to wear or causing pain when they are adjusted or changed. Here you can do two things. First, enlist the help of your dentist or of your teenager’s friends who are already wearing braces and, second, schedule appointments at the end of the school day so that, if there is any discomfort, you teenager will be able to relax at home rather than having to sit in class in discomfort.If you child is musical and plays a woodwind instrument or is actively involved in sport they may also be concerned about the affect of wearing braces. Indeed, some braces could actually interfere with their performance. In this case simply talk to your orthodontist as this is a problem which they will be very familiar with and for which they have many different solutions available.Finally, do not forget that teenagers are an ingenious group and they too have ways of coping with many of the trials and tribulations of teenage life. In Thailand for example multi-colored braces are now very much a fashion item and many children who do not need braces are begging their parents to let them wear them because all their friends are doing so.Getting your teenager to wear braces may take a little bit of work but it is certainly not as difficult today as it once was.

Communication is the single most important aspect when parenting a teenager.We can give them a sense of compassion, understanding, and support. We can listen to their opinion. We can peacefully discuss a situation.On the other hand, we can convey to them that we are disappointed and angry about what they did. We can scold them for not doing what we told them to. The way we respond to, or address, our teenagers will determine if they will come to us for answers and advice the next time.  Your teenager will let you know when he is disappointed. He might even be insulted by the way the discussion is going or how he’s being treated.He will tell you. Not directly, but with phrases such as:“Whatever you say” or “You just don’t understand” before walking away.What these phrases really imply:•    He thinks he has absolutely no input in matters that concern his daily activities•    He feels you are treating him like a child by not giving him a chance to state any of his thoughts on the subject at hand •    You are just not listening to him at all  Take a quick inventory of what was said and ask yourself where you cut your teenager off or out – or stopped listening to his side of the story. Comments like these are a big STOP sign. If you cannot recall with what exactly you turned your teenager off, ask him. Here is an example:One day your teenager comes home from school and tells you that one of his friends started to smoke. You can either tell your son that he better not be smoking, and that if you ever catch him you will punish him one way or another.  Your teenager’s response in this case is going to be something like:”Sure, dad,” and he will turn and walk away. Now you wonder if he is planning to take up smoking and worry about it. Your teenager is frustrated because you treated him like a child by lecturing instead of listening.  These events will lead to a stressed relationship, constant confrontation, and total frustration for you as well as your teenager. On the other hand, you could find out what he is thinking and how he sees the situation.If your teenager approaches you with a story or lets you know about something a friend is doing, you can be assured that they have an opinion about the particular situation. Seize the opportunity to find out your teenager’s values, thoughts, and opinions. Give your teen the message that you are interested in his opinion and want to hear it. He will be less hesitant to approach you the next time around, eager to talk about whatever is on his mind, discuss it with you and thus draw on your knowledge. Before getting angry, consider that your teen may have come to you about the “friend smoking” situation – •    to talk about how disappointed he is in his friend •    how angry he is with his friend because he knows that smoking is unhealthyYour teen may want, or more importantly may need you to tell him how proud you are of his choice not to smoke.

As a counselor, I have seen many parents run themselves ragged trying to be “The Perfect Parent” to their teenager. When their efforts fall short and the relationship with their teenager is lacking, many parents can feel frustrated and disappointed. Here are some myth busters of how to be the Perfect Parent.
In order to have a good relationship with my teenager, I need to:
1. Spend every waking moment with my teenager
Somehow there is a lofty thought that a good relationship with teenagers begins with spending all day, every day with them. As if “Perfect Parents” are the ones that spend all of their free time with their teenagers, filling their days shopping at the mall, or working gleefully together in the back yard.
Yes, and no! Spending time with their parents is something that most teenagers really want, and enjoy doing. However, teenagers also crave their independence. It is better to find a time and consistently meet with them, than to try to overcrowd your teenager. As in the end, this can drive a teenager crazy.
2. Have a serious discourse of the philosophy of life every morning.
Mornings can be a difficult time of the day for parents and teenagers. Hurried parents are often trying to get their just woken up teenagers out the door, usually with some sort of half – eaten pastry hanging out of their mouths.
Save the in depth philosophical discussions for a time when there are no distractions. Make the mornings as smooth as possible. For many people, how they start their morning will determine their mood for the remainder of the day.
3. Use every last penny of my paycheck for my teenager’s every whim
Parents want the best for their teenagers, and enjoy being able give their teenagers those gifts and gadgets they did not have during their adolescence. However, sometimes parents can get carried away and over extend themselves financially, while trying to give their teenager the best life possible.
The irony is that most teenagers do not necessarily want a lot of money showered on them. Now don’t get me wrong, most will accept monetary gifts and extravagance. But if a parent is trying to show love by spending money on them, this very well may backfire. Teenagers are quite keen at being able to distinguish between authentic affection and purchased admiration.
4. Know the answers to all of their questions
As a parent, we want to be the “go to person” for our teenager. However, some parents assume filling this position means they have to be the knowledgeable sage for all of life’s problems. As if their inability to give an answer is equivalent to being a failure as a parent.
Horse Hockey! What is a parent to do? Find someone that may know the answer. Being able to point your teenager into the right direction will encourage self determination, and it will show that you are listening and taking their questions seriously.
5. Be the “cool” parent
Many parents attempt to be the “cool” parent that blends into the teenage crowd. They dress the part, listen to the same music as their teenager, and even try to pick up the current slang of the day. While the intention of wanting to connect to the teenage world is noble, often this can result in embarrassment for both you and your teenager.
Instead, just be yourself. This is not to say that as a parent your dress attire cannot be current and contemporary. Nor that you cannot share any similar taste in music or popular culture with your teenager. However, the rule of thumb is authenticity rather than resorting to becoming an adolescent yourself by trying to “fit in.” You would probably find that your teenager’s respect for you is not based in what you wear, but in who you are.

In Teenage Parenting, understanding teenager developmental needs will help parents to respond appropriately to the situation and this will help in reducing conflict and defiance. In Teenage Parenting, we will look at the different teenager development needs.One of the primary teenager developmental needs is the need to become independent of their parent. It is a self preservation instinct for teenager to develop an independent streak. This is the time when the teenager will be testing the parent limit and breaking rules in order to establish his independence. Here the parent has to figure out where they need to compromise or negotiate and where they need to stand firm.As teenagers become independent of their parents, they will start to define their own identity .This is where it is normal for the teenagers to reject their parent ideas, opinions and values in favor of their friend ideas, opinions and values. The parent has to accept this fact and not to be too emotional about it. While searching for their own identity, they do not want to appear weak especially to their peers and parents. When in a situation that has the potential to lead into a conflict, find a way for your teenager to give in gracefully without the teenager appearing to be weak or childish. Teenagers typically give their mothers a more difficult time than their fathers during the developmental need stage. Teenager will identify who is the weaker link and will then attack and test that weak link to get what he or she want. In our society , the mother has a bigger exposure to the teenager as the mother spend a lot more time with the teenager than the father and also the father is usually the authoritative figure in the family. This is why the mother is usually given a more difficult time by the teenager. The father needs to provide support to the mother and act as a team in dealing with the situation.Friends begin to play a bigger role during the teenager development need stage .This is a stage where the teenager will spend more time with friends than with the parent. Here the teenager will want to develop closer peer relationship to fulfill a sense of belonging in the group. The parent should play a role in supporting the teenager need but should set negotiable and non negotiable boundaries to ensure a safe environment for the teenager.In Teenage Parenting, you will discover that there are more than 150 proven techniques that can help parents to deal with various teenager issues.