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Posts Tagged ‘conflict’

get ex back

Breaking up is hard to do.  We often feel terribly sad and lonely and the absence makes our heart grow fonder.  It is normal to feel this way, but it can cause us to make mistakes when it comes to getting our ex back.  One mistake is to beg and plead with them to take us back.  You can learn more about bad relationship advice here.

You hopefully suspect begging doesn’t work.  One issue with pleading piteously is that it doesn’t change their negative feelings about you.  It may reinforce them.  You need to understand the emotional logic that if your ex dumped you, their heart has more negative feelings for you now than positive ones.

Begging doesn’t do anything to change the negative feelings that have built up in their heart.  And, it can make you seem pathetic and desperate not in a good way.

What you should do instead of begging is to have a plan that won’t make you look weak and pitiable.  Your plan needs to have part that helps your ex to release and let go of the bad feelings they have about you or what you did that are keeping you apart.

There are several Immediate Reconnect Plans to follow depending on why you broke up.  Each one has several steps you can take to actually help them to release the bad feelings they have about you so they can get back to love.  Go here for a free course on How To Have The Marriage You Want Help.

A very good first step, if you wronged your mate, is to just admit or fess up to what you did that was wrong.  Do not try to justify your poor behavior with lame excuses.  Just fess up like an adult.

The next very important step is to let them get things off their chest.  Let them vent.  Ask them how they feel about whatever happened then LISTEN.  Listening to their feelings is what helps them to let go of their negativity.

There is a lot more to this strategy, but it will usually be a lot more powerful than begging and pleading with them to take you back.  You can take a free course on how to get your ex back in hours.  You can get a complete system about Get Ex Back here.

Cheating is, of course, one of the biggest reasons that relationships break up.  When cheating has occurred, the other person believes “I can’t ever trust him or her again.”

That is a common refrain when cheating occurs.  Trust is essential to close, intimate, real love.  When it is broken, we feel like there is no hope for getting it back.  Even if we loved much about our mate, if they cheated on us, we don’t see how we could ever be happy again with them, how could we trust them after such a sense of betrayal.  You can learn more about how to get your ex back after infidelity here.

TRUST, then, is a huge issue in break ups.  Before your partner can even consider taking you back, they have to feel they can somehow trust you not to cheat on them again.  Obviously, why take you back if it’s just likely to be more of the same?  When there has been infidelity, one of the big things on your ex’s mind is

Can I ever feel that I can trust you after this?

Clearly, if they split with you because of a problem issue like infidelity, they need to know In Advance of letting you ocme back that you won’t hurt them that way again, you won’t keep doing what you did.

But the feeling of broken trust is one of the hardest things for an ex to get over.  After all, we usually feel like trust gets built over a long time.  Emotionally, we believe when trust is broken that our relationship can’t be fixed, right?

You must understand the trust issue to see how you can get back together with your ex.  If you can’t deal with the feelings of betrayal and broken trust and the complete emotional distance that it causes, you won’t be able to get back together.  And, if you do somehow luck out and they give you another chance, it won’t last, because without trust there can’t be the feeling of closeness and intimacy we all really want.

How might you deal with your ex’s lack of trust?  It’s a complex answer, but one thing that often happens after cheating is we try to avoid the blame.  We try to say it wasn’t our fault.  We say “I drank too much,” or “You were mean to me!”  When a relationship buster like infidelity has happened, we will almost naturally try to avoid taking the blame. 

If you give those types of excuses to your ex, they will often think even worse of you and any chances of getting back together.  When you drink again will you cheat again?  If they are cold or mean to you in a month, will you use it as an excuse to cheat again?  So what you can do instead is to be an adult and to accept responibility.  Take full blame.  Do not give weak excuses to your mate.  You can learn a full system for how to get your ex back here.

Instead of weak excuses, you can say something like “I know I broke your trust in me, and I’m so sorry that I did this and made you feel so hurt…”

That is a powerful start to repairing the trust.  If you got cheated on hearing that can help you to begin to deal with the infidelity.  Its like when you have kids and they screw up and you catch them and they try to lie or blame someone else it makes you much angrier.  But if they own up to it you can forgive them much more easily.

There are many other steps that need to be followed before you can truly begin to repair the trust, but this is a very big initial step!  Go here for a free course on How To Have Loving Marriage Help.

love advice:The Magic of Making Up!

Were you too controlling in your relationship?  Did he/she kick you out because you smothered them, were too bossy and demanding?  Did you have to know where they were at all times and try to make them spend their free time with you?  Were you too much in control?  You can learn more about getting your ex back here.

These kinds of behaviors smother your mate and it is only natural that they will reject you for it.  At first it might have been kinda cute or something, but after a short while it shows up as a big problem for your ex.  When they start to feel they can’t breathe without your knowing about it they begin to tire of you fast.  You get the boot.

Ok.  Now here you are all alone again.  Maybe its been a week or a few months.  You are missing your ex terribly.  You want them back in your life.  Is there anything you can do to bring them back to you?

The answer is that it depends on how controlling you were in your relationship with your ex.  You may have caused too much hurt and rejection from your ex.  You may even need some relationship coaching before you get back into a love situation with anyone.  Love and power over another are not the same thing, and mixing them up can kill the intimacy in a relationship.

You may, however, get your ex back if you didn’t cause irreparable harm.  And that begins with seeing that power over and need and dominance are not the same as love and intimacy.  If you see that controlling behaviors like keeping them from friends and making them account for their time away from you is not healthy, that is a good beginning.

The question is, did you learn something from the experience of being dumped by your mate.  If so, that is something that can actually help you get your ex back.  You can get a complete system for Get Ex Back here: The Magic of Making Up!.

The next step is to have a special 20 minute or so conversation with your mate.  In this conversation you have to accomplish several things.  Acknowledge the damage you caused them, let them vent to you about how you hurt them, and then convince them that you truly have learned from your mistakes and won’t repeat the behavior.  It isn’t easy, but if you can accomplish those things you can make room for your ex to begin considering you in a better light.  We all like to feel we have helped people to learn things in life.

We don’t have room for all the in depth details, but start with these two steps and you may be able to get them back.  If you have learned from your mistakes and can convince them of that fact, they may be willing to try dating you again.  Go here for a free course on How To Have Marital HelpMarriage Made Easy.

You can fix relationship problems when you’re the only one trying, even when your partner doesn’t seem like changing.  There are several skills to help make this happen, and a great one to start with is the 4 Step Quick Change Method. This is How To Get Relationship Advice that makes a difference.

First Step:  Be specific about what you want to change.  What specifically would make the relationship better for you?  More quality time together?  More real communication?  Less conflict?

What’s important here is to be as specific and clear as you can be about the change you want to see.  That way, you’ll be more likely to get it.

The Second Step:  Make an intimate request of your mate, being as concrete as you can about the change you want.  Don’t say “We need to communicate better.”  That is too vague and doesn’t help your mate see what you specifically want. Good Relationship Advice can really help you make changes for the better.

Be much more specific by saying something like “Can we spend some quality time talking about our day after we get home from work?”  Make it very easy for your partner to see what you want them to do.

The Third Step:  You’ve made a specific request, so expect a specific answer.  Let your partner either say yes, no, or maybe.  Don’t let them ignore you.

Often times they will just say yes.  If it is a reasonable request, your partner will often want to make you happy by saying yes.  If they negotiate How about we talk about our day during dinner rather than right when we get home, thats fine, you want it to work for them.  If they say No, dont freak.

Step Four is how to deal with them if they say no to your request.  First off, you don’t need to start screaming or stalk off in frustration.  Often times it will be a delayed yes, they will just eventually start doing what you asked.

And sometimes, their no will be authentic, and then you need to honor it and make your own choices.  But if they say no, you can always ask again tomorrow or next week, if it is important to you don’t just accept the first no, ask again, this can help them get to yes.

Fixing relationship problems when you are the only one trying isn’t easy.  This tool will help.  You can make things better with a little of the right kind of focus and effort. You can get more help for relationships here.

We never really got any training on how to apologize powerfully.  Sure, all of us know how to say I’m sorry.  But if you did your ex wrong and now you want them back, you’re going to need to say something much more powerful than I’m sorry.

There is a free course you can download instantly on this at Getting Your Ex Back In Hours.

There are, however, other levels of apologizing.  There are much more impactful ways of saying Im sorry.  When your relationship has ended because you did something wrong and your ex kicked you out,  you will likely need to make a power apology.

Power apologies have several steps to them before you ever get around to saying I’m sorry.  They can get your ex to a place of forgiveness and reconnection sometimes in just minutes or hours when followed step by step.  Here are the crucial steps to apologizing in a way that can your ex to forgive you:

The first step in a Power Apology is to own up to what you did wrong.  Don’t offer a bunch of stories or try to blame your ex “you were cold to me and I was drunk!”  Fessing up to what you did wrong is powerful, it lets you mate  know that you understand the core problem.

The second step is to mirror their feelings.  This is powerful relationship intelligence.  How do you mirror their feelings?  You say something like I know what I did hurt you, and made you feel betrayed, and sad.  You tell your ex how what you did made them feel.  Mirroring their emotional state is potent emotional intelligence.   Your ex will start to feel really heard.

The third step is to let them vent.  Now you let them tell you how they feel about what you did wrong.  You don’t argue, you dont defend yourself, you let them get their angry and hurt feelings off their chest.  Your only job here is to make them feel heard and understood.

To understand more about the power of venting, you can check out the information at a site on Relationship Intelligence.

If you have followed these first three steps, you are well on your way to making an apology that will get accepted and lead to forgiveness.  By this point you have not tried to blame or defend yourself to your ex for what you did wrong.  You have been an adult and taken responsibility.  At some level they will respect this.    Then you have surprised them by mirroring their feelings, so they are feeling like you understand them.  And finally, you have listened to them, let them vent and get things off their chest.

Once you have done these three things, you are now ready to actually apologize.  And your apology will much more likely be accepted, which can lead your ex back into your arms fast.

Part 2 of this article discusses the steps to take after you’ve apologized, and it can be seen here at Get Ex Back Part 2.

You’ve broken up with your ex.  A little time has passed and now you want to get your ex back.  What relationship advice can help? Learning some more about these topics can help: How To Fix Relationship Problems can help in lots of ways.

During your break up, feelings of anger or hatred or sadness replaced feelings of love and closeness, right?  You started feeling angry or betrayed instead of loving and intimate.  That’s why you fought and had a break up.  This happens every day all over the world.

But after a short while you started to have feelings of regret and you began to miss those feelings of softness and closeness you had with your mate.  What is happening is that your hurt and bad feelings are changing.  This is an important thing to note about emotions.  Angry, hurt feelings aren’t set in stone.  Feelings change.

You know this from your own life.  You’ve been sad about some things and the sadness goes away after a while, doesn’t it?  You get really angry as somebody, yet even a day later you aren’t as mad.  That’s how emotions work.  They change.  Good ones, bad ones, they will shift.  This is useful Emotional Logic to pay attention to.  Emotions shift, they change all the time for all of us.

You know this first hand.  While you were breaking up with your ex, you were angry or very hurt and sad.  Now, those feelings are being replaced, shifting back to desire and longing for the closeness and connection you had with your mate.  Now you want to give it another go.  Your feelings have shifted.  It seems obvious, but the point is important:  feelings change.

But while feelings change, some emotions can get stuck.  The can last a lot longer, can’t they?  If, for example, you cheated on your ex, this can bring up feelings of betrayal and shame.  These are very difficult emotions to process, and you ex may still be very stuck with them.  They aren’t shifting or changing very much at all!

So how can you use something like Emotional Logic to help get back with your ex?  Simple.  You can help them to vent, to get those bad feelings “off their chest.”  Help them to get them out.  So, when you talk to them, ask how they are feeling about what you did or the break up.  Then try to be quiet and give them time to form up their emotions into words and “vent” them.  Listening is an important step in or to Get Your Ex Back In Hours.

Don’t argue.  Don’t defend yourself.  That just creates more argument.  Instead, make them feel heard and understood.  Ten minutes of venting can really help their negative feelings get released.   Letting your ex vent all over you a time or two after a break up can help them to let go of anger and move back towards more kindly feelings towards you.

There is a lot more to this, but helping your ex to vent their negative feelings is an important step to getting them back in your life.  Emotions change, and you want to help your ex through the process of changing their bad feelings for you into more intimate ones.

You can get a free course here about the specific steps to get your ex back

Improving your relationship is not usually hard work.  Here are the top three tips you can put to use today to make your relationship even better.  More detailed information on all of this is available in a free relationship course 7 Vital Relationship Insights You Never Learned In School.

Top Tip Number One:  Play!  Studies have shown that the more play you have with your partner, the less fighting there will be.  So if you are fighting a lot, play more, and test this out for yourself.  Just a little bit of timea day of playing with your lover can begin to change the feel of your whole relationship.

So do you have a date night at least once a week where you both go spend time playing together like you did in the beginning?  Make the time to have fun with your mate!

Top Practice Number Two:  Get Better At Conflict.  Conflict will occur in any relationship.  Studies have shown that how spouses deal with conflict determines the length and quality of the relationship.  During conflict we all tend to revert emotionally to 7 year olds, but screaming at your mate or expressing contempt are some of the big trouble signs for a relationship.

As you will be arguing with your love from time to time anyway, it is good to start now to take some time to learn how to deal with conflict in healthy ways.  One technique is to learn to attack less during a fight and use “I” statements rather than “you” statements to discuss how you feel.  You can get some free training on conflict and Emotional Intelligence here.

Top Secret Number Three is to Minimize the Mind Reading.  Your partner can’t read your mind.  They don’t actually just know what you want and need.  Appreciate this and help them out by asking for what you want.  If you need some time to yourself, ask.  If you need them to just listen instead of give you their advice, ask for that as well.

By asking for what you need, you can prevent a lot of fights and sulking.Additionally, you can teach your partner to ask for what they need so that both of you are not expected to be mind readers.  That’s being a good lover.

There is obviously a lot more to each of these three topics.  Books have been written on them.  But spending some time and effort on these three principles will pay off for your relationship over the long term.  If you’d like to learn more about Relationship Intelligence to transform your love life, you can fix relationship problems with a free course.